Wiggity Wha?

God hates us. That's right I said it...God hates every single one of us. Now I'm not confirming if God exists or not, but if he does, he probably hates our guts. "But Robbie!" yells the devout religious reader, "God loves every single one of us!" Oh really? Does he really love us that much? Well I have two words that will force you to agree with me and accept the fact that God despises every inch of our being: Paris Hilton. So here's the deal. Paris Hilton is starring in a new show where she is searching for a BFF, or Best Friend Forever. In Paris' case I think BFF stands for something else, but I can't put it in the newspaper without getting in trouble. The show is called "I Wanna Be Paris' New Best Friend" where 20 guys and gals live in a house and fight for Paris' affection. Oh wait, this sounds oddly familiar...almost like this has happened before...oh yeah! It's just like every other crappy reality show on television! This is exactly the same thing as "Flavor of Love," "Shot of Love," and "Rock of Love." So instead of a stupid ex-rapper, a stupid model with implants, and a stupid washed-up rocker, we get to watch a blonde that looks like a stretched out 8-year-old boy. I guess they left the love part out of this show because loving Paris Hilton is like loving your athlete's foot. On a side-note, I don't know what these producers are trying to pull with all this love stuff. That is just baloney. It's basically some moron put in a house full of D-list actors who pretend that they actually are attracted to them. If that's true love, then my parents have been doing it wrong all these years. Let's get back to Paris Hilton and her never-ending quest to make me lose my faith in humanity. So it's bad enough that they are actually making a show, but there is also a website to go along with it. This demonic hybrid of Youtube and Myspace allows users to post their profiles and videos to show just how much their parents didn't love them. It's sad enough that we live in a culture where people would consider being friends with Ms. Hilton. It's worse that they are willing to do it on TV. I mean how would they prove their friendship to her? Lie to her and tell her she's pretty? Drive her to get tested for STDs? Hold her hair back? The profiles are sad to look at, because these people fail at life. Speaking of which, Tay Zonday of "Chocolate Rain" fame is in the running to be Paris' best friend. That kind of makes me want to roll around in broken glass for a little while. I predict this show will be the worst of the lot. I can just see the challenges the lucky contestants would have to do now. In one challenge Paris has flashed her unmentionables, and we'll see who can get the most photos of it. In another challenge there is a night vision camera hidden in the house and the contestants must find it before its too late. The final challenge will force the players to look at Paris without vomiting. Now I don't hate Paris Hilton as much as I hate all the people that have made her popular. That's right ladies and gentlemen; YOU have done this to yourselves. You want to know about her scandals, you read stories about her, and I know you've seen the video. You are the reason MTV decided to do a show like this, because they know that you will watch. You are all a part of the "look-at-me" culture where you think you're way more important than you actually are. Just because you have a Myspace or Youtube account doesn't mean people will give a hoot about your life. It's because of you the television networks know that you want to see idiots embarrass themselves on TV. So now you know the real reason why God hates you. Paris Hilton is a wretched piece of trash, but she is the product of a superficial society obsessed with celebrities and money. So now you know the reason God hates you and there is no better time than now to do something about it. Let's all stop worrying about celebrities and online profiles and start worrying about the things that actually matter in life. Or we could kidnap Paris Hilton and throw her into a pit of poisonous snakes. Either way I think the Big Guy will be pleased. They say every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. Every time Paris Hilton talks, an angel loses its wings and becomes an alcoholic.