Modjesky & Sellers' Top 5

Ah, the straggler holiday of loneliness, Valentine’s Day, is approaching and you know what that means? Crap gifts. That’s right, forgettable forget-me-nots. Yes, it is that hallmark time of year. With it comes the most annoying gift sections of Wal-Mart, Target, and any other store you could possibly think of (yes, that includes Petsmart). Here is our list of our five favorite Don’ts on Lovey-Dovey Day:

 5. The Tween Valentine: Though we all love getting the novelty SpongeBob or Disney Princess card, it is not fun to believe you are a “Special” valentine when at least four other people you know received the same one. I mean, c’mon, they come with a bunch of different sayings for a reason. Don’t give out only one card from the set because you like all the other ones too much.

 4. For risk-takers, the Mystery box o’ Chocolates can be a great gift. Filled with nougat goodness, or the mysterious orange meringue, and weird chunks of nut, the mystery box of Chocolate is the greatest gift in the world, and the most hated. However, the only way this gift gets worse is if there is not a little slip inside of the box actually telling you what these chocolaty concoctions are. Actually, scratch that, if you have a slip telling you, you lose the awesome reaction of the person who hates coconut biting into a coconut ball of Heaven. (I don’t know if we actually hate it, but we’re sticking with it).

3. Never does a Valentine’s Day gift scream your one and only thinks you’re a child like the generic stuff animal. We get a soft, simple plushie if it’s your favorite animal, if it has special meaning, or hell--if it’s from somewhere more expensive than the 10 dollar shelf at Wal-Mart. The point is, no one wants a life-sized baby gorilla holding an obnoxious red heart with “Cutie 4-Life” emblazoned on its front. Worse than this? If it sings. And no, “Baby got back” is not an appropriate anthem to your love.

2. And now, for a sensitive twist to all you lovers out there: The kinky gift. We are not pooh-poohing the depth of your devotion to one another or the lengths you’d go for your love. But we are judgin’ some of your choices. Because in our hearts, we know that nothing says “Love” like some edible undies and some cheap handcuffs. Or if you’re truly classy, then sweet lacy underwear or boxers with hearts and kisses on them. We know you may think this is a great idea at the time, but when you look back, will you truly appreciate your significant other for giving you a pair of satin panties that say “sweetie” on the butt? Fellas, would you feel like the man if your boys caught you with kissy face boxers and a matching tie? If you answered “yes” then by all means, kink-away.

1. Now, for the zenith of tacky gifts for V-day, Sweethearts: Conversation Hearts. Nothing says love like tasteless, rock hard candy that says “Kiss Me” or “I <3 U.” In a world where texting is the communication of choice, these abbreviated expressions of love say it all. What’s worse than tasteless? How about forbidden fruit flavors? If the regular ones aren’t special enough, go ahead and get ones plastered with Twilight characters. Whether it’s just Bella and Edward or the whole Cullen clan these sweethearts dazzle, bite, and call you your favorite brand of live stock (and by that, we mean they call you “Lamb”). And if you’re not sure whether or not your sweetie would like the taste, be bold and use the scratch and sniff option (which will probably smell like cardboard). So, when you are staring at the candy section trying to make the decision to buy the regular Sweethearts or the Twilight ones, think to your self, could I spend an eternity with the person these are going to? If the answer is “no,” don’t go with the Twilight box.